home from the hospital post birth -- what you should know

We tend to think that having a baby and bringing it home is all rainbows and cupcakes. The smell of a freshly birthed baby, the teeny tiny toes, the nursery you've been prepping for months, and you just can't wait to use that Dock-A-Tot you forced the husband to buy you against his will. The hospital prepped you with a few 'new mom' tips like: don't shake your baby, keep their diaper changed to prevent rashes & sores, and they make sure you have them properly buckled in their car seat before they let you leave.

All of that is awesome. You have a baby now. You're a mom. Good job.

But what happens when you get home? Along with those few tips from the hospital, they've also supplied you with adult diapers, mesh underwear that reach up past your belly button, numbing spray and small handful of pain killers. They're saying good luck with your vagina! use the pads that are as giant as your back for the bleeding! *thumbs up*

Sooo here are a few things you need to know when you get home for the first time with your new baby. Because nobody else will tell you how it really is. I love you though, so you're welcome.

Leakage From All The Places.

There is a reason they give you pads that big. You're gonna bleed and you're gonna bleed all over. My mom bought me huge granny panties for post birth and they were my best item (i wrote about them here), After my hospital grade mesh ones, obvi. Nipples, they be leakin' all over as well. Allll over. Not to mention the tightness, the itchiness, and the growth. Back off men these aren't for you! But seriously, if you tough them, I will hit you so hard in the throat and then cry for an hour on the floor. Lastly, your bladder will betray you. You'll unexpectedly pee your pants during a sneeze and it will change your life. Luckily, you have your pad on because, blood.

Sanitizer Anxiety.

This. I can't stress enough that THIS is such crap. You will inevitably have the worst anxiety of your life over freakin' sanitizer. We're protecting our daughter! Yes. Yes you are. But the anxiety you'll have over everyone sanitizing before holding her could kill a cow. Don't be ashamed. Embrace it because baby number two won't have this pleasure. 

Guests.

You know what is more exhausting than your actual baby? Yup.. guests. You love them though. Sorta. They are there with all the right intentions, they come bearing gifts and funny jokes (which make you pee a little), and they want that baby. Being the first time mom you are, you have turrets and yell sanitize! foaming at the mouth as you're throwing them their own personal bottles. You talk about how you can't believe you're a mom, how you couldn't imagine life without them, how tired you are, you compare birth stories, etc. They leave. Repeat cycle 14 times in the next 7-14 days. By this time, you will hate everyone. Lock ya doors, hide ya baby.

Foooooood. 

Okay see, the guests aren't that bad because they bring food. And not just your favorite candy wrapped in twine either. They bring meals, people! Especially if you're from Utah (holler), your neighborhood will organize meals and bring them out one day at a time. This part is amazing and you will feel like a rockstar. Sorry if you're not from Utah... I hope y'all have good neighbors. Otherwise, Jimmy Johns has freaky fast delivery.

You Smell.

I feel like I've known a couple women who have showered at the hospital before heading home. Not me. Both my births I've had an episiotomy (9-10lb babies ow), so I never even wanted to get up out of bed much less shower. So getting home, you are sticky, bloody, and you smell funky. Do you care? Nope! But you don't have to do anything you don't want to do because you just had a baby. Tip: use that phrase as much/as often as you can. And let's be honest, you don't have to worry about smelling good for at least 6 weeks -- if you know what I mean nudge nudge...

Lastly, 

Unconditional Love. 

You have this now. Between bleeding on your sheets, never noticing when your breast milk has leaked through your shirt, squirting water on your vagina like the nurse showed you, crying when your baby cries because you know they need to eat but your nipples hurt sooo baaad.. you have this unconditional love thing. It's got a lot of nerve showing up out of nowhere, right?

And your hormones aren't going to let you off easy either! You experienced these hormonal outbursts for 9 months previous, but they are not going anywhere anytime soon. Sorry husbands! Just love us. Let us cry, let us bitch, let us eat anything we want because if you don't we will kill you. And by kill you I mean, I'll start pumping and you can take over night feedings. Boom.

One piece of advice, don't ever worry that you can't do this. Your mom instincts will kick in and you are going to be the best mom your baby could ever ask for. They chose you. They were born to you. The stickier and smellier you are at the end of the day just goes to show how great of job you're doing. Because good moms never seem to have clean shirts on. And that's science.

What about you guys?

Any tips you can give new moms about coming home from the hospital?

Who else still wears their post birth grannies to bed? Anyone...? Don't hate me because I love comfort.

What was your post birth home experience like?